Mitì Vigliero Lami

Diets are one of the most agonizing tortures that the civilized society has ever invented. Skipping the diets owing to pathological causes, those that if you are not on them you are going to die, the worse diets are those which make you lose only "some kilos" to be more beautiful, quicker, and trendier.

In certain moments I would like to live in an Arabic Emirate; there they really know how to appreciate buxom women. I say buxom, not obese and flabby; I'm talking about buttery and soft women, with big breasts and big buttocks. So women are notoriously sweeter, more maternal, cuddly, sensual, nice, happy and witty. Everybody knows this!

Buxom men also exist, but who knows why most of them are defined by our civilized society "a plump man", while a woman who is overweight is "a disgusting fat whale full of cellulite."

In each case, for the adipose ones as for the smokers (you see), life is not easy; they would have lived very well if the inventors of diets and of that period that usually consists of seven days of hunger that comes before an increase of four kilos didn't exist.

Scarsdale's diet, Weight Watchers' diet, jockey's diet, score diet, VIP's diet, dissociated diet, Mediterranean diet, those based on potatoes or lemons, they are not other than the result of the modern alchemy that doesn't look for the philosopher's stone anymore, but the fastest and more comfortable way to disintegrate flesh.

The show people are experts about diets, and always give wise and smart advices. For instance, the director George Miller, has confessed:
"It's since eight years and a half ago that I'm on the Valium diet. Taking enough Valium helps you losing weight. It doesn't calm yourself really the appetite, but the big part of the food falls on the floor."

The Welsh actor Harry Secombe also suggests his obvious method:
"This is my suggestion, if you really want to lose weight: eat how much you want, just don't swallow the food."

A lady that I know, instead, justifies her overweight in this way:
"I don't fatten up because I eat. I fatten up because I swallow so much air."

Unfortunately, if it was not understood, I am prone to fatten up too and therefore I am perpetually on diet. Think that I am never very hungry. For instance, I don't like sweets. The sight of a croissant does never stimulate my appetite. I am only hungry of pasta, pizza, bruschetta, pizza bread, bread and oil, bread and mayonnaise, bread and salami, bread and butter, bread and cheese... let's say that after all, I have a preference for the diet BP&E: bread, pasta and enough.

Also my stepdaughter Anna is always on diet. This summer, during a tasty lunch in the country, while I fixed discouraged my dish containing two slices of tomato and a leaf of lettuce with a very surly expression, Ann told me:
"You should do as I do, instead of eating appetizers, the first and the second course, I had only tortellini so that I had just one dish."

I reply with a tone intended to be sarcastic, but that resulted only hysterical:
"Yes, I see: however, you had three of them."

And the young girl gently answered to me:
"There you are: the appetizer, the first and the second course."

My friend Carlotta is on a "do it yourself" diet. Once she ordered two different desserts contemporaneously for dinner in a restaurant. While she was devouring them with a glad expression, she answered to the scandalized looks of all the guests:
"Anyway... I am eating them without bread!"

Undoubtedly, chubby people would live a lot better if skinny people didn't exist. If someone of the family is skinny, whether she or he is a man or a woman, would mean to hear her or him repeating saying over and over again:
"Don't you see you will burst in your clothes?"
"Don't you realize that you are eat as a pig?"
"Why don't you care about your figure anymore?"
"How better you would feel with ten kilos less?"
"When will you start being on a serious diet?"

Skinny people always talk with acrimony: skinny women are jealous of the other women's curves, or compare with caustic eye their husband's pot belly to the surf table that Tom cruise shows off around the navel. Skinny men suggest to their partner to go on diet after having seen the conclusive evening of the Miss Italia contest or Cuccarini's ballet.
However, fat partners in this case should not say: "Why don't you marry Cruise or Cuccarini!", but instead they should put up with it and humbly say:
"It is all right: from Monday (because diets should be started always on Mondays) I will be on diet."

Then probably you will not start a diet, as perfect dietphobics, but at least always have ready excuses to give to other people's reproaches.
You can focus on psychoanalysis, subject always of great effect. An American dietpsychologist, used to repeat that greediness is not anything else than an emotional shelter, the sign that something is devouring us from the very inside. Therefore:
"I eat so much because I am nervous."
"I eat because I feel the pressure of the examinations
(job, career, etc.)"
"I eat a lot of sugar because I am lacking of affection", sentence to say casting a glance of accusation to whom should give us affection in the place of calories.

"I eat because I am happy: good mood makes me hungry."
"I eat because I am angry: bad mood stimulates my appetite.

If psychoanalysis does not work, try the pathetic-aggressive excuses:
"It is winter, it is cold: how can I not eat something warm as pasta?"
"It is summer, it is warm: if I don't eat any pasta I will have a decrease of sugars and I will faint."
"Because of my job I am always guest out for lunch and dinner: do you want me to give a bad impression with bad manners and fasting?"
"How can you expect me to be on diet if I have to cook delicacies every day for YOU?"
"I am not fat: it is because of the small clothes you keep buying for me."
"Fat has been in my family for generations: do you really want me to be the first one to stop the tradition?

It is also advisable to use acculturate excuses:
"We eat and we drink, tomorrow death will come in any case." (St. Paul)
"More one fattens up, more one becomes wise. Belly and wisdom grow always together." (C. Dickens)
"It is hard arguing with the stomach, which doesn't have ears." (Catone the Censor)
"The stomach is the ground on which the thought springs up." (Rivarol)
"Afflictions are borne better with a full stomach." (M. Alemàn)

Or, finally, place everybody out exclaiming loudly actor Jack Klugman's triumphant words: "I like to be fat, I like my fat! It keeps me warm, it keeps me company, and it holds my pants on!"

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